Venue : Kuala Kubu Bahru
Hare : Herzer Knut
Co-Hare : The Germans
Scribe : Hornblower
Predictably unpredictable traffic at Batu Caves - (2 lanes closed, no warnings, no bloke directing traffic past the traffic lights, 2020 vision and all that) left me 0 mins behind schedule before I even left KL. Then,
500 metres up the lake-side Ulu Yam road I got stock with another 50 cars behind a low loader carrying a huge digger and doing 3 mph. Stuck behind that until the crawler lane shortly before Ulu Yam. Hence got to the run-site a tad late at 5.00 pm.
The run-site was a hive of activity, with a tin-shed and loads of teutonic knights hyper-efficiently setting up the lighting, the mega-blaster-hash-stereo, the gen set and the BBQ for a zoompfah of an on-site on-on. The site was decorated with reminders of great English /
British sporting diasters - namely every World Cup since 1966. A 'football field' was set up with a very small 4 x 4' goal at one end (the German end) and a very, very large 20 x 20' goal at the other end (the rest of the world). Brittania rules the waves, but Germany waives the rules!
Obergruppensturmfuhrerundchiefenharer Knut informed the very late comers that there was a short run and a very long run. With a few other late starters I sensibly chose to do the short run. And it was quite short. Out the hash-challenge home trail, quickly into the forest reserve, down break-ankle gully and up and along very slippery break-a-leg hill. No checks that I was aware of, but then the FROPS would have been long gone. Started to catch up with some of the weak and unwilling, crossed a river (useful for removing 8 kg of mud from each shoe) and then followed a deeply rutted logging / 4WD track for a Km or so, a grass farm (where the co-hare was spotted shampooing the 'black forest' under his arms - nothing romantische
about this strasse!) and then home thru the sand-mines. About 45 mins for an averagely fit Joe like me, and quite enjoyable.
I didn't hear much about the long run except that it was long and also had some tricky, slippery sections. Other than that, the hash-volk seemed to like it well enough. Long - runners staggered back between 90 - 120 mins.
Back at the run-site the beer wagon was dispensing ice-cold refreshment and things were ticking over as smoothly as an poorly-oiled Angolan watch. One of the teutonic knights (nameless, to save his blushes) had blown up the hash-amplifier in a an unprovoked blitz-krieg on hash assets. So no boogie box. The tin-hut strip lighting had been left thoughtfully unconnected with wires to any form of power source. So no ighting. The wehrmacht katering korps was no where to be seen, although radio contact had been established around 18.40 hrs with their advance party, believed to be in somewhere the vicinity of Port Dickson. So potentially no food. Things were starting to look really serious.
It then started to rain. Heavily. At least the gen-set (supplied by an Ozzie of Italian origins) was working - but it had nothing left to power! Ober-gruppen-fuhrer Wolfgang wheeled in his panzer-wagen (Korean, but with German technology! Let's not forget that!), reversed up to the tin hut, stuck some Bavarian ooompah-ammunition in his boogie box, opened all the doors and let rip on the unsuspecting crowd with everything he had. So, ve haf musik!
Uncle Carlo came to the rescue with his back-up strip-lighting set powered off his wagon. Ach so, ve haf der lighting!
The beer was still flowing and the rain was still falling, but everyone was happy, crowded intimately together under the tin-roof, just like your average Glasgow pub on a Saturday night. Cold and wet outside, warm and damp inside! And eventually, after the circle part 1 the makan arrived and was quickly set up. With more uncharacteristic inefficiency, this was set up in an L shaped, one-sided buffet terminating at the BBQ - the slowest part of the process. Hence service was rather slow. Future organisers, take note. Double sided buffet for the cold cuts and a separate station for cooked food.
But the food was very good - German sausages, lamb, sauerkraut and what have you and well worth the wait. Even a delicious honey-cake desert. Sad to see, as ever, some hashers pile their plates to the sky and then leave half of what they took. I can tell you, my dogs had an excellent breakfast the next day - but this is one bad hash-habit our club really has to break. After all, you can usually go back for seconds.
Circles proceeded with various sins and sinners. Nan had to change swap shirts with Thomas, because his little black number was much sexier and see-thru. Just as well her nipples aren't bright pink. Wolfgang was
on-downed for being seen on the run after the hares made a song and dance in the directions about being traditionalists and not being seen at the run-site before the end etc etc. Some visitors were on-downed.. or were they? Not sure. Too much beer.
For some reason, the run was not judged and was deemed a celebration run on-the-spot. The hares seemed slightly bemused by this, probably wondering
when they were going to get the RM1k sub that comes with a gazetted run. The good news is that this will keep the committee entertained for hours...
With reference to all the English sporting disasters some bloke (me actually) got up and told a very funny joke about Margaret Thatcher and Helmut Kohl. This is a true story.
Scene - EU conference on monetary union; Germany has just knocked the England football team out of the World / European / Deutsche Dairy Farmers Federation Cup ( *delete as appropriate):-Kohl to Thatcher 'Ho, ho, ho Margaret, it seems ve haf just beaten you at your national sport - again!. Ha, ha, ha!"
Thatcher (smiling aweetly, to Kohl) - "But Helmut, we've also beaten you at yours - twice..."
So, on to the soccer match - a piece of mid-night madness only the Hash could concoct. The heavy rain eased off, but there was no flood-lighting so half a dozen wagons put their head-lights on the 'pitch'. The German team turned out resplendent in all white vests and underpants. The rest-of-the-world were issued with brown underpants, and we all know why!
(err, because they were supposed to be scared s***less at the mere thought of facing the Germans). So, with an enthusiastic crowd on the side-lines and the half flooded field lit by 4WD's, play commenced with a German-ref (naturally) but despite the sloping pitch, the mis-matched goal sizes, the bent-ref and all - the match ended in a draw... or a win... or something. But as we Brits know full well, the important thing is to take part, not to win! Anyway, a great organisation, and very entertaining for everyone.
Despite the mishaps and the slippery slopes on the run, everyone I saw seemed to be pretty happy with another great PH3 night out in the ulu. Many thanks to the hares for all their considerable efforts and the German PH3 community for sponsorship of T-shirts and the on-on - both the hut and especially the delicious food.