Scribe Reports

Run 1483 - 13th August

Venue: Lembah Beringin

Hares… Shan, Abraham Kloggie, Don Cheang, and one other that I forget.

Scribe: Florence Yeoh and her Co Hair.

Florence Yeohs Run Report, like the run, was done by the co hare as it seems is the case with a lot of these Girlfriend /Wife allocated runs, the boyfriend/ husband [who does all the work] gets to set her run and organize every bloody thing, then has to write the scribe report as well. There is no justice in the hash, except the pussy and the pampering for being a good fellow and helping them out.

Run was at Lembah Beringin. 450 kilometers North of KL, I was looking for the duty free shop as we were so far North that there just had to be one close by, as we thort we were at the Thai/Malaysian border when we weren’t were we. We could have done a joint run with Ipoh hash while we were at it. Surely there is someplace to run half that distance from KL …I know we passed several thousand acres of rubber before we arrived at Lembah Beringin. Perhaps there was some place amongst that lot that would have been just like the rubber we ran through in Lembah Beringin.

Run site at the old unfinished shop houses [another economical nightmare for the unfortunate purchasers who lost their money to another greedy unscrupulous Malaysian company. Apparently the area was first put forward as the location of the new KLIA airport and the buyers rushed in, only to be stuffed when the ‘authorities ‘ decided to put it out the other way cos’ ‘some fellow’ had some land at Sepang that was available. We will never know the full or correct story of this disaster, and doubt if the buyers will ever see any of their money.

Anyway….. the assembled pack headed for the rubber at the appointed time after receiving instructions from our “beloved” GM…… Ducks Arse, the Shag of the North Counties, Terrance Ulysses Gardner or TUG for short.[ I heard he likes a tug after a massage as well as the next bloke].

Across the paddock and into the rubber we ran, shuffled, ambled, galloped, walked, strolled, short cut etc following a well marked trail that appeared to have been well recced, thru rubber and some secondary jungle, for about 1 hour, plus several checks later the pack had formed a circle by an Indonesian kongsi where the front runners couldn’t find the trail and after some loud dialogue between Mia and her country men she managed to extract the road to the beer wagon. So it was then on down the road to a T junction where a number of ‘experienced ‘ runners and an Ex GM, turned left, when they should have gone right ….no sense of direction at all these people. Yours truly and a number of the smarter hashers [OM] such as Choy Ling, Ah Won, Barry Daws and a few others went right and found paper after a hundred meters or three and were at the wagon in 15 minutes, the other wayward pack arriving back much later.

Amelia even liked the run. White Rajah, was up to his tricks and cleverly used his GPS to short cut home, sucking a few others along with him. Peter that diet needs you, don’t know what Narul is feeding you, but it is certainly bad for you.

The circle was to see the icing of a number of our faithful brethren for minor infractions, but with 3 Bomohs, Colon King, Huge Murray and Paul Kirkman, taking it in turns to conjure up charges there were a number of cold bums that night. Colon Kings joke about the Terrorist Bummers was rated a keeper as opposed to most of his other oldies.

The free “Makan Kling” ON ON was on site and beers were priced at RM5 ….Good Food and cut price beer make for good fun. …Which continued the following day at Dave Kamakazi’s palatial Palace in Sierra Mas.

Hope all arrived home safer than Robin Cox did Sunday PM, when his car encountered a median strip, several small trees [missed the big ones] and a monsoon drain, removing portions of the cars suspension on its short cut to glory.

Run 1478 – 9 July 2005

Venue: Ampang Pecah
Hare: Virginia Tan
Co-Hare: Daniel Walchai
Scribe: Kamikaze

Well… Sorry Virginia. But if you can take so many years to set your first run, you can wait a few weeks (or months) to get your run report!

So many beers ago! Let me look into my crystal ball. I recall I first arrived at the run site with few cars around. Hot as hell and the sun blazing down. Luckily left the dogs at home for this one.

Set off on time to the call of the GM. As the front runners went up the hill to the right, myself and others that know the area pretty well decided to start checking. A very effective back check screwed us all up. As the call was at the top of the ridge (so I thought), my thought was… why not, start climbing. Up and up to the call with nothing but those damn fern undergrowth everywhere. Spend 20 minutes trying to break through. By now if was 5:00 and I hadn’t even gone past the first check.

When I finally broke through, I saw some late arrivals so decided to try to push on despite a bad cold. Weaved around following paper in and out of secondary growth and came out to the fish farms and naval training center. It was nearly 5:30 by this point. As the trail was starting back up the hill and away from home, it was time to call it a day. Save the energy for drinking!

Got back to the run site to find neither the short runners nor the long back yet. I think the first runner was back from the short at about 1:20 and long 1:30 (this is purely a guess, sorry!). The skies then opened up and poured down rain for the next 45 minutes. I spent most of the time in the back of Ramli’s truck with 8 beautiful women! Too bad they were all on Tiger and Guinness posters!

ON ON in KKB. Directions to which were a bit vague, at least enough to confuse the GM and others. Doesn’t take much!

On downs were appropriately given to this de-virginized hare and over used Co-Hare.

Then I’m sure there were many more down downs, a b-day cake and likely a triple on… all of which have been permanently erased from the memory banks.

Thanks for the good run and good luck overseas. ON ON

Run 1485 : 27 August 2005 – Merdeka Day Run

Venue : Hulu Tamu Hot Springs
Hare : Mohd. Noor
Co-Hare : Other Malaysians
Scribe : Hugh Murray

This report should be written by the hares from last week Paul Kirkman or David Wilson, but two years of being On Sec has given me enough experience to know that it is nearly an impossible job to get them to write anything. In this time we have had to get reports written while sitting on the ice, on the back of menus at non-hash dinners and also just give up and write them myself. So what were the excuses this time. David had already removed himself from the picture by going to the Silk Road in China with the father-in-law (wife and children stay at home). Paul well he made an attempt to come to the hash – late as usual, but after parking his car at the Batu Caves roundabout he gives me a call and requests I make notes as he is going home.

Actually I was 5 minutes late as having viewed the car park at Batu Caves – probably due to the new flyover being opened but only a single lane, decided that the only hope was to use the old road to Rawang. I am not the only person and thee GM delays the start of the run by 15 minutes.

The run starts by taking us a cross the road and through the stream into the orchard. The check is at the top of the orchard. After my last experience here when the check took 20 minutes to clear further up the hill, and was way down the hill and virtually out of earshot. I decide that I will limit my checking to a horizontal line. A good decision as it turned out as the on was quickly called in that direction.

There was then a piece of single filing where the parang boys had been to work before we broke out into a large cleared area. The check being somewhere near the top of the next paper. I think though I can see one square of paper right at the top of the hill I am now on. Those around are dubious and comment it takes a brave man to climb all the way up there on a whim. I am a brave man and set off up besides the fence. Although not actually breaking the check I am now the third man out of here and realize that I am able to amble along while the FROP’s catch up. After descending into a narrow creek which we follow for a short while we reach a point that Rambo states was not his idea of a hill. He is right of course – it was a cliff face that we had to ascend.

There had been another check at the top of the cliff but this had already been broken by the time I arrived. We then descended into the stream where we walked a couple of kilometers down stream. The hares are getting old and soft we normally have to go up stream. I think by the distance covered I probably missed a check somewhere on the way.

We eventually reached the divide for the long and short run. If you did the short run there was no problem but those on the long run tackled this in a number of different ways.

1. You ignore the sign for the long run. Ignore the sign where the two runs join again and now proceed backwards on the long run. On reaching the check – have difficulty understanding why the pile of paper is at the start of the trail. Brain slowly engages so you fill in the check and return in proper direction. At run site complain that you did not see the signs. Can only guess that as you ducked under the string and paper that you were looking at the ground.
2. You find and read the signs and set off in the correct direction. You reach a check (note there were two checks on this section so not the same one described above). You start looking for the paper and find a tarmac road. Therefore you come on the tarmac road via the Hulu Renning Kampong – probably only 6km.
3. Maybe somebody actually managed to do the whole run correctly.
Those on the short run proceeded another couple of hundred metres and then climbed out of the straem on the left. Up a nice track in newly worked rubber this area was drastically overgrown 3-4 years ago. At the top where the track went left trail goes on the terraces and then left. A perfect place for a check and sure enough there was the check – already broken, with the paper eventually being found back on the track. Sorry hares I don’t think the check was broken down on the terraces as the torn paper went straight back to the track then looped around.

After this it was just a matter of climbing back up to the ridge and then down to the run site. I took just under 2 hours so assume that FROP’s on short run were about 1½ hours long run FROP’s 2½ hours

The usual on goings at the site, with one or two jumping into the Hot Springs.

On Downs were made for various offences including:

• The happenings of the night before at Paul Smith’s new bar “The Wall” opening.
• Running backwards on the long run
• Simulated sex in the Hot Spring

On On was at the old Lucky Like. Where a good selection of food was provided, and further on downs were provided as the night went on.

Being a gazetted run no formal run judging was done, however general consensus was that this was of T-shirt run standard.

Thanks to all the Malaysians for providing the T-shirts and free food, and also thanks to the hares for another enjoyable run and afternoon out of KL.

Rob Stott if you are reading this you can send my prize to hmurray@pd.jaring.my

Paul as I have spent Sunday morning writing this perhaps you can take the wifes car to the garage and purchase four new tyres! Stand-in scribe reporting has just got expensive.

ON ON

Run 1480 - 23rd July 2005

Subject: Scribe report Run 1480
We were park in a new area up a road leading to a big mansion of one of the Datuks. The crowd started tickling in after 4.00 pm and at 4.30pm the GM sets the pack off. We climb a slight slope following the fence of the mansion and drop of on the other side into a orchard, cross a metal road that used to be a home trail if we were to park at the usual road/river side. We headed into shiggy into the 1st check. On On was called on the left and we went up into a laterite road where the paper stop. There was some confusion of whether was it a check that was pickup or was it a false trail. I proceed to the end of the road with Space cadet and paper was found about 300 meters from the last piece of paper.
It then went into overgrown rubber to the 3rd check that is hanging on a slope. With intimate knowledge of the area I headed straight down the valley into a stream where paper is found and then out into an orchard. At this point we were only about 400 meters from the home trail. Paper then turn left into a Pegaga farm(wonder how much damage we did) and into an orchard cross a creek and then left to the 4th check that was up a slope. On On was call back down through some shiggy and the onto a newly bulldoze laterite path. Some VIP must have bought a piece of land here for such heavy activity.
The 5th check was in a newly cleared area and you can see the front runners all over the place. ON ON was called up the clearing into mature rubber and the short coolness of the jungle was appreciated. When I reach the 6th check which was reported to be a big circular, people were all over the place and there were 3 guys who came running backwards and claim it is so confusing and they a going back. I proceeded to check left and observed there were some pink ribbons up front(we have been following pink ribbons all along). I followed it for half a km and still there was no paper and concluded that the hare must have tag it during the reccee but decided not to use it.
On On was called on the next ridge from where I was and paper swung right(the turning point of the run) to the water intake point. We followed the pipes for some distance and then turn back into jungle where we have to make a 70 deg descend of about 100 feet into a stream. Here is where the drama is where some hashers were accused of throwing rocks and durain at other hashers below. It was up the slope into a farm and down into laterite road then onto the main metal road passing our usual parking site and home.
It was a very well set run in a interesting area.
The circle was called late and there were many charges. It drag on for some time and the Hare announce that the dinner will be 5***** like Hilton at RM150 per table.
We arrived at the On On and food was late in coming as the restaurant was quite busy. The helpers were running around like headless chickens and you even have to help yourself to get beers. We finally got our food after 45 mins wait.
We had 6 dishes of crab food(Noodles, Oyster sauce chicken, Fried grass carb in curry, Japanese Tau Foo with mince meat, 3 beans in belachan & Spinach) for RM150 per table. This is real crab food at 5***** pricing. There were some charges and one of the guest/virgin was haul up by Dave for answering her handphone. She was christened as “Large Pussy” for carrying a handbag that looks like one. Paul Kirkman was called up for his birthday and he was immediately made a cake.
The run was judge a T Shirt and it was given to the co hare Isako who gladly oblidge by changing into it.
Thank you hares for a good run.
Triple On was called at Backyard.
Rambo Chan for Lilian

Run 1481 - 30th July 2005

Scribe report by Kojak

Kuala Kubu Bahru.

For those of us OMH or “Old Malaysia Hands” (not to be confused with John Duncan’s chums, OFM “Old Farts from Malaya”) the name of KKB conjures images of wild river runs down the untamed Selangor river and a quaint, clean and neat small town tucked in the forehills of the peninsular range. So as I was leisurely driving towards the run site on this hot and dry day, I could not help but think about white water rafting and cool waters. I had blissfully avoiding the N-S expressway and the Rawang toll (now just as infamous as the Rawang crawl at both entrances to the city). My hopes of refreshing river waters were shattered when I turned from the main road to the track leading to the run site, parallel to a once gorgeous – and clear – river. Sad…

Well, since traffic was light, we arrived at the run site about 4pm and to our surprise, there were only 3 other vehicles at the site ! When I asked early risers Rob Stott and Wolfgang Druba (who seemed to be engrossed in a metaphysical discussion about the size of ants in KKB) if we had the correct site, a lazy hand pointed to the hare’s car and some loose paper on the ground ! Indeed, we were at the correct site.

In the blistering heat, I unloaded my carload of unmentionables and proceeded to harness myself with camelbak and other bushwalker’s apparel. With a very small pack on attendance, the run was called on at promptly 4:30pm by GM Terry Gardener. Some of us, aroused by the call to action, immediately followed Colin Hercus to a trot past the lake and a first check half way up the hill. The well laid check - and only effective one of the run – enabled the late arrivers to join the pack and the gossip. After debating several long minutes which way to go, paper was called to the right, in what amounted to a back check.

From that point on, the run went on to resemble the text book example of a woman’s orgasm. I explain for those of you who have never read the book. A bit of foreplay with some checking, a drop down the gully, a rapid climb, a long plateau, a slow and demanding climb to the peak and a gradual return to earth level (when men usually fall asleep).

After the foreplay and check, we dropped down a small gully – very dry indeed. Crossing over was easy and painless, although at that point some bastards and bitches wanted to stay on top. Then, it was all single file up the hill, grabbing branches and moving up fairly rapidly until we reached that long, very long, extremely long plateau (where Dennis the horn and a few shortcutters dared to join the rest of us). Surrounded by bushy shrubs, ferns and secondary jungle (hint, hint!) we walked and trotted a very narrow path were many others (despite what the hare said) had been before. That part became rapidly boring for most gentlemen runners – such as Rob Stott and Rambo - who usually prefer to venture into virgin territory.

Those of us daring at the head (oops, ahead) went down below rapidly for a quick check (refer to the same sex book p 335), but our attention was quickly reasserted toward the upward activities by calls such as “Fuck, Arrgh and Bloody Hell”. And we went up and up and up, sweating, huffing and puffing, sometimes pausing on the way – even Maya was seen stopping and panting… (now we know why – as all was to be revealed later at the run site), till we reached the ecstatic apex of the run.

From then on, all did let go and entered full resolution phase for a 15 min jog down hill on the much wider exit path.

Premature ejaculators took about 1 hour to complete the course while most of the pack enjoyed themselves for an hour ½ and the last individuals to come (out) were Isako (DogMount) and visitor Mai from Egypt who were seen back at the beer wagon in just under 2 hours.

All in all a good and timely run. Not a winner of creativity awards, but satisfying enough for a hot Saturday afternoon in KKB.

Circle was formed at sunset and after the usual announcements several sinners were duly chastised. Amongst others the hash circle rewarded :

¨ Dave and Ben for letting their poorly bred dogs crap near the circle.

¨ Nina, once for not knowing where her own run was and a second time to be blessed with the hash name of “satisfied pussy”. On that subject, Maya demonstrated she could not tell a snake from a rubber hose when she found out that Colin had a twin waiting for her in the jungle today. Now we know why she was panting all afternoon! Anyway, both “twins” were duly raised by Maya’s expert hand and given a down-down.

¨ The pack of unsatisfied girls in the cult screamed, yelled, gasped and handed out their phone numbers when 2 Canadian visitors stripped their tops and exhibited their 6 pack abs and oversized pecs to the crowd of aging and envious beer bellies. Opera, not to be left behind, showed that Malaysian males can be proud of their belly buttons. All were given a down-down.

¨ A lady wearing a spotted Selangor Club Hash nightgown was given an on-down to season her new Thailand made shoes and Graham Davidson (hare) was raised again for omitting to mention the waiting time at the Rawang toll in the run directions.

¨ Finally, virgin guest Mai from Egypt was given a cool one. She was joined by Kojak and DogMount (Isako) - for making sure everyone waited 45 minutes for fantastic food at the “Ulu Langat Hilton” last week.

As tonight’s makan was at a nice restaurant with too difficult a name to remember and having to tuck my unmentionable & guest in bed early (hey, one Egyptian and one Japanese, sounds pretty exotic no?), I headed home satisfied in the notion that the rest of our hash sect would be a having a –hopefully - quick on-on nearby.

ON ON

Kojak

Run 1479 - 16 July 2005

Run-site: Taman Desa Amanpuri [school cul- de-sac]

Hare: Lilian Wong plus co-hares of RLC entourage

Script: Virginia Tan designated to Chuck-Wow

Rehash.

Which ever way you choose your run-site in this area; let it be Sg Buloh Lepre, Restaurant Emperor KSelangor Road or FRIM, good 'Old Baldie awaits Lord and behold.Well Desa Amanpuri school area looks like the current favourite approach to the assault of 'Old Baldie, FRIM and yonder. Been a Saturday we were lucky to have the run-site [road approach] all to ourselves, and been quite close to KL/PJ vicinity most hashers were early at the run-site chatting away and catching up with the latest and hotest gossips within the Klang Valley hash circuit.

There was a sizeable guest list from the up-market RoyalLakeClub Hash in support of their daughter Lilian the virgin hare. Scott Campbell back on Summer vacation to visit Por Por in Penang. A group of sun-roasted-cheek Kwai girls were there too [sadly they choose to keep to themselves and didn't interact with the home team]. Isn't it a pity that one travel half-way across the world at great expense and not want to mixed with the hosting team. Perhaps PH3 should make the initiative to approach future visitng guests and welcome them to make them at home.Won't want visitors to accuse us of being snobs, Petaling had always welcome you when you first joined us, perhaps you should go that addition mile to welcome visiting guests.

Its nice to observed that the full PH3 Committee hashers are in town this week, led by the Grand Mesiah Terry and his two loyal sidekicks MadameButterfly Dave and Dog-shit Jimbo. After the much delayed pre-run brief by the GM, the multitude set off up the steep hill on single file thus causing a massive traffic jam, definitely not a good start-off exit point, Guinness Khoo and yours truly were watching from afar at the beerwagon [surprise! Ramli the beerman was very early today to provide pre-run hydration], contemplating an alternate angle-of-attack. Earlier Daniel Whathisname had pointed out the the mid-week Harriettes had a run at this very spot, and they started their run along the school fence to go around by the base of this imposing hill. After waiting fora good 5 minutes of human traffic jam, no prize for gueesing what Guinness and I decided. Out at the base of the hill, were spotted hashers running parallel on the upper terrace some 150' up. Always professes that that there two ways to go across the mountain, one to climb over it and, the other togo around it. We the less mentally challenged, will take the latter. Who do we spied but Daniel, Yogi and a BigFat bespectacled Kwai Loh charging into the bush to check 2, Liz Burns and Amy from Azerbeijan and Saudi respectively SCBed to join us, the main pack only caught up with us, now-FROP, after a good 5 minutes, back check toward the FRIM mountain range.

I was apprehensive of scalling the FRIM mountain, thus using a gout swoolen hand as an excuse, decided take a retreat down the lower road would be more intelligent, caught the Hare and her entourage at the inbound junction and casually got home in 0125hrs. The hare and her merrymen were comparing how many leeches they picked up among themselves. Anxiety arose where at 0145hrs there were still no sign of the FROPs, 1st runner in eventually at 0210hrs and the remainding stragglers got in by 0715pm with still daylights to spare. The FROPs enjoyed the long run, however there were the usual non-starters at the beerwagon who were calling for blood after the the 0200hrs mark of toilet-seat and ten-weeker. To put it f..king bluntly, if you did not run or complete the run, you are not entitle to make or judge a run. Let the GM and his merry Committee call the short. What gets you down are these very same hashers who hardly run or complete a full hash run, but are the great critics of others. And place themselves as the judges and prosecutioners/executioners of others, crying foul of a toilet seat and ten weekers.

For all Lilian's tremendous effort, as a virgin hare she allow herself to be committed into a very long run with no way of cutting short to fall within the 0130hrs run. Some times the terrain we chose can be very unforgiving, we are lucky that PH3 starts our run at 0430pm, thence we get more daylight run hours than most Hash chapters. On On!