Location: Ladang Bentong
Hares: Carlo Pangrazio
Co-hares: Patrick Russell, Brian Cossar
Hash Horn: Clog and Frog
Scribe: Clog and Frog
It was a typically non-descript day in Malaysia when about a hundred people, dogs, brats and some virgins set off on PHH Hash number fifteen hundred and sixty which was actually should have been run fifteen hundred and fifty nine! A last minute swap was agreed with the scribe to change the run dates for obscure reasons never to be revealed by Carlo. Everyone that wasn’t hung over were excited at the prospect of a good hash set by the seasoned barbeque transvestite hasher Carlo.
Hashers were forewarned that there was a barbeque and skewer party at the Batu Caves and an area to be avoided to escape the blood and gore trickling down the 276 steps up to heaven. So most set off in time for the hour-long drive which proved to be pretty accurate if your speed averaged over 130 km/hour. First confusion came at the Bentong exits off the Karak highway with a choice of 2. Panic reigned in the car and it was decided to take the 1st exit. Somehow we managed to find the way to Raub and Ladang Bentong. To pass the boom gate we didn’t need to bribe the guard with RM1 as the hares had already done so and to be fair the decent chap didn’t asked for Ringgit more.
The Bentong area is a veritable maze of tracks and logging trail traces weaving in and out of lush vegetation and crop plantations (this is starting to sound like a National Geographic article). Anyway it was a damned good site next to the stream with snakes a plenty – if you were there early. So after parking next to beautifully well-maintained oil palm trees, it was on-on into the bush. As usual it was that arch FRB, Larry that led the way, closely followed by the usual array of fit buggers – Clog & Frog, Nick M, Colin K, Kojak, Opera et others and somewhat surprisingly Kamikaze. I say surprisingly not because I think that our Honourable GM is a slow old tosser (would I ever dare to say such a thing?), but because Kamikaze was complaining bitterly earlier about his still debilitating knee strain. Obviously a not so subtle ploy to lull into a false sense of security.
After about 5 minutes gentle jogging up the hill we hit the first check back and it was here that the problems started. It was fairly obvious which way the trail really went so off we all dashed. But when I say all I don’t really mean all. Some others and a fresh virgin seemed already to be struggling a bit. Actually when I say a bit I really mean a lot. Being the caring hashers we are we barged past and went dashing up and down the trail. It has to be said that the rest of the hash was run at a fair old pace through the plantation. We were warned that the trails were a bit soggy in parts, but in reality these bits could be mostly bypassed if some more effort from the hares had gotten into it. A point to note was that we did a loop returning back to our trail to confuse the hell out of everyone.
The trail itself was a confusing mix of running trails, crops and trail blazing through the bush, it was almost as if the hares had no idea where they were going when they set the hash – this was revealed at the on-on-on by the co-hare. There was a few nasty water crossings that some hashers decided was a little too adventurous for them so they tried to short cut around it. The rest of us plunged into the effluent with all the enthusiasm of going to ones own execution. After a quick check for leeches and other parasites we ran along the trails to a check back down the trail to end at a falsie. Some smart ass was the first to discover the check back and in true Hash form let everyone know by yelling “SILENCE”. A few of the less experienced hashers actually fell for this ploy, the rest of us continued back up the hill to do the obligatory run around the mountain. A long run through the oil palm crops led us back to the chariots.
With great joy we discovered that Ramli had finally arrived and we were actually able to enjoy a beer immediately upon our arrival. Excellent. The down-down’s began shortly afterwards. The Hares were the last to enjoy the privilege followed by the Virgins. Sadly there was a shortage of available and willing Virgins, a disturbing trend in PHHH I might add,
Eventually too much cheering and relief the lost ones returned except for a dog – poor Richard For being such a useless bunch of tosspots they were all punished severely. After a few more beers and several more made up punishments, we eventually left the scene wiser, fitter and considerably drunker for the on-on-on.
To finish:
There are two hasher nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster (wimps?).
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his trousers
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down.......
And those of you who thought there would be a different ending, say two Hail Mary's.......
INTERNATIONAL HASH HYMN
Melody - Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
I looked over Jordan and what did I see,
Coming for to carry me home,
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.
CHORUS:
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.
I'm sometimes up and sometimes down,
Comin' for to carry me home,
But still my soul feels heavenly bound.
Comin' for to carry me home.
If you get there before I do,
Coming for to carry me home,
Tell all my friends that I'm coming too,
Coming for to carry me home.