Occasion: Anzac Day Run 2007
Hare: The Anzacs
Scribe - Ugly Mike
And so it was that we gathered in the once green fields of Bukit Cahaya to see if the Kiwis and Aussies could put on a more extravagant event than those fine English gents had done the week before in the jungles of Ulu Yam.
In this annual battle of wits and wills, the crowd was full of gossip as to what would be on offer. Would Graham lead a mid run streak to scare the ladies and pre-empt the full moon? Would Gail lead a chorus of antipodean beauties in a rendition of Kylie classics? Would Mike Clarke actually turn up to run for once?
The verdict? Crap run, same shirts, excellent food, magnificent (free) beer and a good time had by all.
So what about the run? In a word "Chaos". Somehow at the first check, half the pack found the home trail about 5km too early and being the bunch of lazy bastards that they are, promptly headed back home. Meanwhile down in the valley, Dave Wilson, a red faced Jimmy Leggitt and I decided that we would make sure the hare's efforts were not entirely wasted and ran around like headless chickens for an hour trying to follow the missed loop. Dear reader, I promise it would have been a nice run had we all found paper.... Having said that, I think most of the pack quite enjoyed having a short run. Lazy bastards. On returning the pack was treated to the same shirt as last year (Oh Ok - a similar shirt to last year) and discussed the merits or otherwise of setting a run in plantation.
So having started the popularity battle poorly, our friends from South of the equator had some catching up to do. This they did in fine style.
First up was the serious matter of honoring those who laid their lives down for others. The circle respectfully remained quiet as we were treated to the ode, the last post and the national anthems of Australia and New Zealand .
Next up there were charges - many of them, the only one I remember being for some people wearing the wrong colours. A few hairy Antipodeans were then seen sporting dresses - or Pinafores as they are also know. This signaled that the food was on the way.
Then an announcement of Dinner came - A gourmet selection of prime meat from Fogles (A fine establishment in Damansara - doing great all day long breakfasts and apparently expanding fast to also sell Deli meats in the Village Grocer and other fine establishments - Advert over) a snip at RM 10. The Sausages were very fine indeed and the steak was magnificent - but the best news of the night was still to come - Free beer all night long. Why do I always get to drive when there is unlimited free beer???? After eating as much as we could stuff into our hungry faces and much drinking had also been partaken, those not driving dribbled home, meanwhile MC Les Suppository smashed in Kamikaze's car window in a rage that he has since denied.
Some of us then went on to the Backyard which really has gone down hill. Note to all - go to Bojangles - it's more amusing.....
So there you have it. The Southerners managed to drag the Phoenix from the flames and have a fantastic night for one and all. As expected there was no Fierce Gay Boy to be seen. Apparently he was being Gay and Fierce with a lady in Vietnam .
On On.
Run-site: Sundat River, Ulu Yam Baru
Occasion: Pommies from Far Far Away Land believed and swore by their Grand Saint Georgie Boy who slew this fire-breathing Dragon to save some fair maidens namely; Maid Marion, Ms Heartbreaker, Mdm Charly Botak, Pauliana a/l Kirkperson, Lady Les Exchequer plus a couple of unmentionables.
Hare: Dame Michael Hawkins & Lady Redhead Ally plus many Fairies.
Vs
68 hounds plus 38 guests
Scribe: His Holiness Don ‘Chuck-wow’ al Baghdad
Rehash
1. The month of April saw the holiest of holy season in our lunar calendar.
We had this festive rabbits/bunnies and their lost eggs, in remembrance of JC’s effort to all long suffering hashers. The Chinks had to thanking Kuan Yin [Goddess of Mercy & Graciousness] for the bull-run in the Stock market; not unlike my Eastern faithful’s paragraph no.1 of the Conviction addressed to the Mrs God’s husband. Then my South Asian sisters called on Lord Ganesh [the Elephant God] about the same day to protect their mafia Don Samy Velliano. Our trusted turbaned Sardargees came from behind to propped the multitudes on this Vasakih Day [Sikhism New Year or some sort]. No no no! a significant numbers of PH3 non-denominational led by High-Priest Ob-pla Chon Ma Lai in a convoy of Off-Road vehicles plus a bus load of renegades felt it was hollier to be cleanse by Siamese scented-powder water in unholy Songkhla for the Thai Songkran water throwing festival. The grapevine informed our holiness that a couple of PH3 ex-GMs and our Grand Messiah made an absolute arse of themselves. So what’s new?
2. Now the Pommies not to be out done by these religious one-upmanship, called on their Georgie Boy to ‘slay’ these holier-than-thou renegades. Let me take you back a couple of weeks at this particular hash circle in Batang Kali football field, that this Kirkperson Pauliana made appeals to his English brothers and also abused them for being tight. We were officially informed [posted circular at the On On] that that the Irish delegates felt that are not Pommies. Two over-sized & obnoxies beer guzzlers felt that as they will be away, why they should contribute to the St Georgie’s Bash. A couple of ‘cheque-is-in-the-mail’ cons were also noted. The Yorkshire men were pissed off and called it extortion..... So what’s new. However, after a couple of weeks’ solicitations, the Poms sure managed to come up with quite a show. From the grapevine, the Down Unders and Sheep-shaggers will not be out done by the Chinks and Pommies come this weekend’s Hash ANZAC evening. The Kangaroo boys [Collin She-Cursed & Osama Kayu] were checking out any Kwai Lohs & Phors , that does not smell Pommish, and if they are from Down Under. Victim no 12 was this lass Kelly [they want your money, not your body]. Cheapo Anonymous; for next two weeks its gratis feedings at the On On. No prize for guessing whom will be around.
3. JM Tommy al Chin was sported driving in to the run site in his new Honda CRV, to prevent further misfortune; he parked his new toy in front of all sundry & halters and next to the beer wagon. Wasn’t too sure himself if he had bought the appropriate Car Insurance - against hashing abuses? Quite a sizeable crowd had gathered at 0428pm to listen to the Grand Messiah weekly pre-run crabs. Would some kind soul tell me what were been said, non- comprehenso? Perhaps my Chink brother Guinness KCC may shed some lights. Then the hash horn echoed and the charge of the Light Brigade led by Toni & Gayboy dashed into the wilderness, followed by Dan the Dadah-man and his faithless followings.
4. By the 2nd Checks, conversations were overheard centred on this new found enhancement programme for our PH3 women’s appearance – the most private of makeover [that loose feeling] – tightening of vaginal tone. Technology of Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation (LVR) is now available in the Klang Valley. We have very loose information that a few of our Aunties are seriously pressuring their PH3 husbands/lovers/boyfriends & suckers to finance this new age technology to enhance their bedroom venture. [Talk about a sucker is born every other minute]. Dan the Dadah man claimed to be an authority in this new-tech fantasies, being an ex- co-Love Doctor in his younger performing days. Guessed whom were his immediate audiences? A bunch of so-to-be-poorer Kwai Lohs. Now, HashShag & GayBoy wants penile enlargement enhancement jobs, which the Dadah man himself would want to sign up as well. Those of you fair maidens; out of practiced blow-jobbers need not apply. Viva La St Georgie, this is a great Hash Chapter with hilarious, sexual explicit gossips and wants been discussed while on the hash run. Just keep within Dan’s running circle and all the happenings will be within hearing. A word of caution, just keep your eyes peeled to the ground less you’ll trip rolling in laughter in the under-growth, or is it pubic?
5. By the 3rd check, our beloved On-Sec so-be-be Honkie YC and her predecessor Aileen eyes lit up for want of more in-depth information…. and costings. Andy my friend, hold on to your purse; believe me, a Freelander will not keep them happy. By the now, I was rolling in the under growth with a belly-ache of laughter. When I recovered, every able bodied hashers had forsaken yours truly, so Uncle Don short-cut home of course. As I was nursing an inflamed groin, we took the low & flat route, was informed later that therewere 5 checksof which the last two were up very steep and slippery hills in Bundura Estate area. Rambo got caught out at Check no.3, and never managed to recover. There were reports of wasp attacks at the last check, and my Chink friend Yew Leong had an allergic reaction from the strings that took it out on him. Our good Samaritan Robbie Scourse al Bangla drove in to ferry Yew Leong out. After some anti-histamine tablets, he was driven out to seek further medical care at the nearest hospital by loving sister Yuen Cheng, our on-sec. Thank you to all you caring hashers who cared for yew Leong’s safety.
6. Running in to the home stretch, we were greeted by a team of tuxedo-dressed English gentlemen butlers and a misplaced South Asian waitress, serving an English concocted alcoholic fruit punch plus very ‘ang-mo’ cucumber & egg sandwiches. All brought to you at tremendous expense and effort from Nikko Hotel’s kitchen [now you know why the sandwiches were rectangular and not the traditional triangular]. Donald the Paramount was first in on the short run; and Toni the mushroom grower & Mikado Gay-boy raced in to claim top spot in the long run. The former was testing out a pair of very very new [3 hours old] day-glo orange coloured Nike shoes for the Dutch 2008 Olympic team. Hashers also took time off, clearing themselves of any well fed leeches still hanging on to them. David Wee was showing off his wasp-stung arm. SPGs Reiko and Grace were hopping about in ecstasy watching those bloodied hashers’ legs. Our Aunties were stuffing their faces with sandwiches... dejavu. Uncle Ron was supervising to ensure Auntie Helen filled up the cups of fruit punches. The former instructed ½ cup only, but Auntie screamed ‘cheapskate’ and poured a full cup. These domestics do get carried on to the Hash.
Hash Circle
7. Was a very quick and no non-sense affair as the GM felt that that the beer wagon needed to be transferred to the designated On On site at Linatex. Needless to say the beer drinking crowd cried foul, as they felt that the beer for the evening should be avail at the run site until...... ?!?
On On
8. We were directed towards Linatex back near Batu Caves for the ultimate St Georgie’s evening. Saw about one of the bigger crowd for an On On – words must have got out that the Pommies were treating PH3 to a great evening of fun, food and fair [not necessary in that order] – and of course we also had 38 guests. Our vehicles convoy were held up towards the guard-room of Linatex, on closer look saw this huge German Klaus Bulat, Auntie Nan & Helen handing out St Georgie’s t-shirts. Now there must be cheaper labour, hiring these non-Pommies crew to do the job. We were also informed that ‘Klaus’ is the closest German equivalent name of George.... so they claim.
9. After assembling at location’s Club House, Lady Redhead Ally gave inside guides to procurement of duty-unpaid Harimau golden brews. Lady Pauliana Kirkperson handed out some Q & A exam papers for some British songs & singers naming contest; thereafter he announced that food was been served in the traditional newspaper wrapped Fish & chips. And ladies will be served first. Only Mrs God knows where so many unmentionables appeared in the queue for ‘makan’, and their ungentlemanly shoving and pushing was most unladylike. Perhaps on the next outing, men are to be served first, and we could show and educate these unmentionables some decent queuing etiquette. (ANZAC crew, please do take cognisance). After dinner of Fish & Chips w/ mashed chick peas, and helpings of English Pudding & Custards served personally by the English executive chef Uncle Ron TowkayBabi. [Did you try their wee bit frozen meat pie?]. There were enough servings for seconds and third as well.
Show Time
10. The Grand Messiah took the stand, being a Pommy himself, gave us this first act of the evening – an Oriental strip show. Some how the on-looking crowds were ‘shell-shocked’ what came off it. [This British nepotistic practices need to be confined to their quarters]. Would Ob-pla Cheong naa Songkhla, please educate these Pommies that for strip shows and the likes; that like in Thailand the artists must possess certain criteria/prerequisites. Next act, the Hash Shag was blabbering away his ultimate fantasy for want of shagging Mei Hong. Just as the final act was announced, my Drive had had enough and was literally nursing his head. So we call it a night, maybe I missed the better act of the evening, I hope not. I was informed the following weekday that that the last show piece was a gem of a hilarious English bare arses & half Monty ‘Policemen’ act. The male species in PH3 would want to know; why all these English acts do only featured... MEN, and not young maidens at PH3 shows. To think, ironically we call the Mother Hash [KL HHH] names.
11. To all St Georgie’s Pommies, thank you once again for the lovely and fun-filled evening.
Note from editor
(Perhaps certain of your acts/shows need some quality control & refinement...? eg; comprehensible announcer/show-master)
Stop Press:
My SilverFox Aussie Cox, speaking in refined Mandarin to an audience of Chinks seated at my table, assures us that their ANZAC evening would not be like that been dished out by the Poms. This we will see; however, a word of advice to those seeking a free meal and evening, they will be grossly disappointed. We were informed that it would be a big Aussie bar-be cook out.
The only things that are free in life are sunshine and fresh air. And of late, Joanna Castleman had to pay prime bucks to get it in Melbourne, DownUnder.
Don “chuck-wow’ al Baghdad