Venue: Ulu Yam Waterfall (Back of Sekolah Sains Ulu Yam)
Hare: Roberto Guerra
Co-Hares: Michael and Fabiana Chow
Scribe: Candy
Comic: Don Cheang
The run started up a reasonably gentle slope, and it was a climb and passing some nice abandoned houses. The trail went into palm and then to a valley and up and up hills and more hills came . It was a hard walk up the hills and it was hot.
The circle started and there were charges.
Fabiana the first bomoh was charging hash man of their hash outfit. And more charges followed on after that.
On On was at a nearby restaurant.
There were seven tables and the food was good. The run was awarded a down down. The hares did a good job in setting the run even if it was not a Tshirt run, and the on on was good and we had a good nite and triple on was at the back yard.
Venue: Serendah (opposite Antara Gapi)
Hare: Yeat Mei Keo
Co-Hares: Chinese Gang
Version 1 - First Substitute Scribe: Laurence
Neither the GM (Sen) nor the JMs (Aileen or Dave) were around, so it fell to me to stand on a beer crate and start the run. Huge Murray lent me his horn for this purpose - he said he wouldn't be needing it as he wouldn't be on paper for long.
Nobody took any notice of me (no stage presence?), so I just shouted "On On" and hoped there were no guests who didn't have a clue what was going on!
We turned right up the road, and the first check was hit very soon. It was solved quickly, off to the right into the woods.
A short while later, we came down a track with a gully on our right (sounds of heavy machinery the other side), and then curved round left to a check. This one wasn't solved for a long time, until a sweeper (one of the co-hares) told us that it was back up up up the hill - that area had already been checked, but the paper was a lot further up than anyone expected! By this time the whole pack had caught up.
The third check was towards the bottom of a hill, with many many paths leading in all directions. We thought it wouldn't be back up the hill, but were proved wrong - back up and along a higher path.
So I ran along a contour, trying to catch up, and then heard calls of "Checking!" ahead.and down, following by calls of "On On!" down to the left in the valley bottom. The main path started to descend, but the paper turned sharp left onto a lower terrace, eventually leading backwards to the check after 200 or 300 metres. By the time half the pack reached here, there were no more calls to be heard, and we realised that we should have continued on down the main path.
The only option was to go striaght down through the shiggy, reaching a rough road and finding the paper off to the right, leading into a stream.
Soon after, there was an exceptionally long section down one narrow stream (my faviourite terrain - nice and cooling),and then up another. Many people stayed on the trail either side of the stream (no sense of fun!), but eventually everyone was forced to descend and wade through the water - sometimes thigh-deep, and sometimes a mini-canyon with rock walls either side - very pleasant.
The final stretch wasn't so nice - a bit smelly and polluted, so we were happy to leave the water then.
There followed a massive circular check, where the front runners turned left of the track, descended a steep hillside, went up the other side, and found themselves on a track the other side of the valley. Left again, leading to a check and then to a cross-roads we'd passed 10 minutes earlier, where the found most of the pack straggling along in front of us, the check having been solved quickly.
The final check was on an open hill-side, and took a while to solve, forwards into the forest. At this point I saw Mike Hawkins running slowly and carrying the soles of his shoes. He was hoping they'd be repairable, but I think he'll be wearing new drinking vessels next week- something to watch out for!
But my sandals weren't exactly ideal either - too loose, not much grip, and in the stream the water drained out fine but left lots of painful stones. I also need to get my old shoes repaired, or buy a new pair!
There was torn psper for what seemed to be about 500 metres, before we hit the trail again - definitely something strange going on.
Then not too far before we found ourselves on a track paved with broken bricks again - a sure sign that we were close to the brick factory.
Home soon after.
Not sure if I got those checks in the right order, but if anybody reads this, please correct me and I'll update...
The runners came in randomly - the checks had done a good job of mixing the pack up, if not exactly keeping it together.
Finally there was just one key left iin the box - Robin Cox's - and Hugh Murray was also reported missing by his distraught wife Win Chew, who instantly called her insurance broker to check the value of his life insurance. We knew they'd be short-cutting off-paper, and also that they both knew the area well, so we didn't worry too much about them - no point!
The circle was short, starting with some charges for Gail Thurkle (apparently not 'permanently' emigrated to Oz after all) and her re-found love Isaac.
Isaac was also guilty of being Indian (Happy Deepavali!!!), along with Nan (yes, I know, 'Sri Lankan'). There were other Indians around, but half of them had parked in a different spot and getting them all together at once was like herding kittens.
Then I wisely abandoned the spotlight in favour of a number of bomohs, for a succession of amusing charges, until I found Featherlite (who I'd foolishly asked to be a Bomoh) charging me, for embellishing her recent scribe report!
Well, if an Onsec can't embellish scribe reports, where's the fun in the job?
I'd embellish this one if only I could think of anything worthwhile or funny to say.
Then it was off to the On-On (or off home for me), with Uncle Don Cheang deputised to take control. I wonder if he gave any lectures on Chinese baking history?
The run wasn't quite superb enough for a t-shirt (I reckon it was those kinky checks), but was very good and got a perfectly-satisfactory On-Down instead.
One final thing - I wasn't the only stand-in that day.
The hare was standing in for Mike 'FGB' Clarke who had to pull out at short notice, so thanks very much to the whole haring team for that!!
In that spirit, as Elaine (last week's hare) was overseas enjoying herself, I thought I'd also stand in as scribe, in case you hadn't spotted that.
Back to the shadows for me next week...
But finally, I can exclusively reveal that we will finally be having our Fierce Gay Run on 21st November (8 months later than originally planned), and that FGB will be giving a free on-on!
Version 2 - Second Substitute Scribe: Tommy
It looks like our scribe, Elaine, had scooted off to Geneva to buy a cool sexy dress to be worn on the Hash Ball. I need to scribe briefly for a change.
This run took more than 2 hours to complete but I felt good about it. There was a rejuvenating 30 minutes stream running that I enjoyed. We crossed 2 hills with well laid checks that progressively brought the dispersed pack together. SilverCox Robin came back late in the dark dragging Mothersheep along out of the jungle. What they did in there we don’t want to know. I know Hugh had slimmed down a lot. Now see who he attracted? and may have girlfriends popping out of his armpits but FROP was home in one hour forty. The run was rated an On Down. That’s it, in a nutshell.
Let’s see, my other comments shall be…
Rambo co-hared run without 80 Chinese co-hares back from Taiping;
Don Paramonde beat MJ in moonwalking;
Mike Rickard’s tendon problem affected his performance;
Gayle back from Australia, sex touring Isex in M’sia;
Alister’s blond cousin, a pretty and virgin runner, enjoyed it all and will do it again;
“I only drank 2 beers…” was the conversation in the outer layer circle;
Patrick’s vegetarian dogs love durian seeds.
The ON ON @ RM17 ppax was packed with 10 full tables. Hare Yeat Mei Kio was seen smiling and happy at the end of the day. Yes, it was truly a lovely day in hash. Thank you, dear.
Side Track:
Learn as if you were going to live forever and you will be forever young :-)
Live as if you were going to die tomorrow and you will surely find a way to die :-(
Venue: Factory building at Serendah chicken farm
Hare: Elaine "birthday girl" D’Silva
Scribe: NC Yoong
Woke up on Sunday and didn’t get my usual high, I had this tension in my carpal tunnel which last afflicted me 5 years ago and prior to that, my high school exams.
You see, I suffer from this illness called procrasstinatis, it also freezes up my balls if I don’t get it fixed. It lasts all day and doesn’t go away.
Came Monday, I still feel the stiffness until I remember cruel Laurence of Arabia’s threat of sodomy if I don’t do the scribe thing (well he actually did get buggered by some Bedouins on his way to conquering Jordan and creating the Saudi kingdom – imagine, him and this fella called Guggenheim took a stick and drew the borders of Israel, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Syria, Iraq and UAE in the sand. Why do you think they are so many straight lines? Only a rear entry specialist could do it).
First check, up a nasty hill and we were diligently combing the slopes for evidence until some backpack walker shouted for ON ON on the main path a few light years from where I was. With that, hopes of a good finishing for me evaporated. To make it worse, I had to check for the MCA election results in my latest 3G fone (which I cleverly disguise as a GPS so that no one suspects that I am facebooking Featherlite while pretending to be running) and the whole Party seems to be falling apart.
Reject the entire leadership! What a joke for a political party that has lost its relevance to Malaysians, not just the Mat Sallehs in PHHH that asked “Ong Tic-ket-to-nowhere”?, “Chua-Soiled-It” too?
Anyway, second check, on the path, another devious backcheck that caught us breathless again. BTW, my late father was an ardent MCA member and in his naivety, thought that the Alliance coalition would help lead Malaysia to greater heights (those days, Barisan Nasional was called Alliance. Years later, George Bush copied us because he had similar misguided thoughts that it would lead the world to better pastures).
The third check was in open area and relatively tame and like the MCA leadership, I harboured ambitions of being to finish early. Little did I know then that it was more like I would be finished, just as MCA will be. I never subscribed for its partisan politics but I suppose MCA was just a bit player in the great Malaysian political landscape. On another political front, my continued membership in PHHH reflects great irony of hope that someday, we will not need to subsidise those heavy beer drinkers who are driving us to the poor house.
The fourth check was beside a hut of Indonesians up a ridge. Another dastardly back check! We left the grinning Indons, and on to the fifth and final check on another slope. If they were part of the expeditionary force to invade Malaysia, they certainly had the job cut out for them. Indonesians are not our enemies!
As I huffed past the vegetable gardens towards the beer wagon, I figured that we have in our midst, the seeds of self defacement. Malaysia needs to look inwards for solutions, just like MCA. After 6.5 km of self torture and self reflection, I finally left my memories of my late father and his (now) shattered dreams of greatness for the country.
Monday: press 0122336318....”Opera, YNC here, I didn’t go to the OnOn as usual, what happened there?”
“Duh, same old 5 ½ tables at 121 Restaurant in Serendah. No new shit to report.”
“What was the run rating?”
“Duh, it was an on down run. I d-don’t ~slurring~ u-understand what happened. Maybe dey said the checks too long, like my dickie, but I thought it was a good run. Tiu Nia Seng!”
“Yeah, me too. I think it was worth a-a ~pretending to slur~ f-frigging medal! You know, Opera, the committee is real tight, like my assie”
“Heck, YNC, I need a beer and ~burp~ I’m so hungry I could eat a turtle.”
..... mutual silence, then BEEEP, hung up.
Elaine, you get medal in my universe, especially after saving that abandoned puppy.
Oh, and Laurence, I did my scribe so please don’t freeze my balls in ice.
OnOn!
Hare: Yong Nim Chee
Co-hare: Graham Woods & “Missing” Chris Tan
Scribe: Featherlite Piong
Determined to break the curse of the scribes on ice, Ben at my run last week and Juliana at Nim Chee’s run this week, I armed myself with paper and pen to give you this…
Arriving at the run fifteen minutes late, I followed paper into a beautiful rubber plantation and a bit of nice jungle trail - I did not expect to see anyone but soon ran into Joanna Yoong who needed more flat and stable ground to hash on since her recent knee operation, then into John Castleman.
Soon after, Colin Hercus came running from behind and informed me we had passed two checks, of which the second one was difficult to break hence was able to keep the pack together, including my late coming. Running into a dragonfruit orchard, I soon saw Peter Cann (-lah) running from my left, and I found myself with the pack.
Running along, I noticed there were the usual walkers having a chat and enjoying themselves, Saru who I always notice a mile away, Candy and Victoria. The pack ran a short stretch along a road, turning left into a fruit orchard, and continuing in more jungly trails, where I was inspired to check out sexy strappy top runner thinking it was Zu-You-Like-Her but then again was too far back for her to be and turned out to be a new face - why does PH3 allow cuter girls than me to run???
Hash scenery soon changed into oil palm, and there was good ole’ Iron Woman chugging along with Gary Murrell just ahead of her. Also runs rarely, I found Kim Dall also jogging along steadily.
We soon came into what I term “bald roads” (bald because they are smooth enough to slide or pebbles to roll you down) up a rather steep incline, where the Jerry French was seen carrying his Oscar on his back and being a gentleman, along with Shong holding barbed wire apart for fellow hashers to cross.
I soon saw old bald Mike Rickard puffing up the hill, wondering why he was hashing even though recovering from an injury from Nenasi and chest flu. Top of bald roads, (bald) runners and non-bald hashers alike found themselves rewarded with panoramic views of the valleys of the surrounding Malaysian countryside. No complaints there.
Crossing a brackish river, Alister was seen “every man for himself” shoving all else including women, children and thorns out of his way and sand into Prickheart’s face and John Lavelle “flying like a swan” over it, earning charges at the end. Whilst Kojak’s mishap twin brother Isaac gave me a gentle hand up. Of course, Iron Lady had her usual aaHs and OOhs got her across! (Mind, Dog Shit was not seen anywhere close by to provide her with that pleasure!) We did a one more bald road but nothing as steep as the first one just after that.
Seems like the hash was full of returnees from various injuries, another being Jeanie also back on the hash. At this point, I was quite impressed to see a Kommuter train whizzing past whilst hashing. We did come across more barbed wires and more gentle hashers holding it apart, “big John” with the “mini minor”. (No, I didn’t read it in the news)
The two ending circular checks were so good that all front runners including Laurence Renshaw who ended up at the back of the pack, joining myself and Kwai Hoong and as they conversed and bickered about Macchu Pichu, Inca trails and non-existent toilets as well as the overuse of porters, inflation prices of South America and so forth, we were on the home trail with banana plantation and cows, finally into oil palm and back onto the unused road as run-site to be greeted by hare, Nim Chee giving out free t-shirts (bonus!),Graham Woods and a missing Chris Tan.
At this point, I discovered, 1st runner in, Opera Cheong who was running head to head with Cindy “Champignon” (pardon my recognition) until Cindy took a wrong turn and left Opera to return at 1 hour and 25 mins with Cindy hot on his heels.
Circle began at the windy junction of the road, with a few rain drops from the sky and a cold bottomed Juliana Cann (-not lah!) who later complained to me she sat on ice that was ‘senget’ (that’s slanting to all non-malay speakers) and a rendition of history of moon cakes et cetera from Don Cheang, as well as sweet treats brought by Bee Ling and Chinese folks.
Hash kids walked around with cool old school lanterns armed with proper candles and flame trying to scare me with fire (Bob’s daughter in particular). Again, Crabby Pussy and Zu(you Like her!) was seen at the circle back after been missing for a few weeks. Opera was awarded ‘shabbiest hasher of the year’ for being a ‘tight arse’ (must look closer next time!) with if I remember correctly, strings and bit of things hanging out of his shoes. Gregg Dall the ‘wimpy Australian’ was called up only to have Don (aussie boy) to be his lookalike to take the charge for deflecting the character of his dog, hence being wimpy.
GM Sen wrapped up the circle, in timely fashion to avoid any heavy downpour on the pack bringing hashers to Restoran Zuan Kee in Kajang for On-On. A fantastic turn out of about 8 tables included the Chinese gang. Prickheart was seen offering his usual homemade Yorkshite Bitter. Hare Nim Chee was charged for serving Mat Salleh food such as deep fried pork, sweet & sour fish, fish and chestnut cakes with mayo, butter prawns, seafood dish and vegetable with oyster sauce.
A total of eight guests and returnees and other hashers were called up and tortured soon after in usual hash fashion by Paul Kirkman, the funny man he is. Alistair was his first candidate, for waving his willy around (and Nancy exclaiming how Big it was) and Rambo for doing a Crouching Dragon at the side of the road and releasing a Hidden Tiger, (if you didn’t get that – a DUMP!) However, the show stopper was indeed the two new hashers with ankle socks on the hash, with Thierry the French, and his individually compartmentalized socks. The hash of course had to sing “this little piggy” lead by Hugh Murray for his toes before they were made to drink out of their socks. This was soon followed by African Mule drinking out of his spanking new red and white Brooks shoes. Yummy desserts for some!
Given that, we had a wannabe member that wasn’t a member – JC, the virgin born and refused to go up when guests were called up and interrogated before made to do a down-down. Barry and Dave Wilson were called up for being lookalikes, and Ai Lih becoming un-cannily pregnant since Barry showed up in Malaysia, with all three ending up having a drink. Others were Jerry French and Thierry the French were charged for being Who’s who and drank it down with arms intertwined.
A wee performance by the children and a Very big child Scott Campbell, led by Don Cheang, was given to the hash and second circle ended by rating the run. Run 1699 by Yong Nim Chee was given an excellent rating and a ‘I set a good run” t-shirt for it and rightly so! On-on ended with hashers singing Terima Kasih to the hare and co-hare. Hardcore ones adjourned to Backyard for triple-On and the Chinese gang (Rambo, Don, Pang, Lai,Sam, Nim Chi, Peirs, Lim, Alyvia, Cheah, En Leong, Khoo and Soon Hui and various others) continued celebrations at the restaurant.
On- On!
Featherlite